Moving on to the next chapter of my life...

Well, today marks the first day that I actually decide to write in the blog I created, and intended to use quite often, 2 years ago.  Originally I created it with hope that people would actually be interested in what I have to say... but after some thinking, I've realized that I can benefit much more from it.  

People who write in blogs... yes, the infamous "bloggers", are often viewed as self-centered assholes, who think that the things they have to say are going to make a difference in other people's lives.  Its hard to tell how often I will be posting, but I think having a blog gives me a chance to collect my thoughts at the end of the day, week, month or year.  I have possibly one of the busiest lives out of anyone that I have ever known and could really use all the help I can get, with keeping my thoughts together.  With working full time since 11th grade in high school, to attending SUNY Geneseo for Adolescence Education:  Physics, to practicing, recording, and touring with my band A Night Without Armor, to building and running a recording studio in Rochester NY, to trying to make time for friends, and most difficult of them all... trying to hold down a relationship;  my life is constantly being pushed in so many directions at once.  I'm not degrading anyone else's lives, nor am I saying "My life is really busy, feel bad for me" ... because I understand that these things are things that I place upon myself... .  I guess I'm just trying to justify the personal benefits to having a place to write my thoughts, and hear the advice of others who find themselves in the very same situation.  Even if you know me, you probably don't know that I have a terrible memory.  Its not that the memories aren't there, its just that so many new memories are made and the past becomes blurred.  My recall ability is definitely not up to par, and I think having things written down in this Blog will help me with remembering the past.  

Alright, well there's my reasoning as to why I blog... embrace my thoughts, or hate me.  

It's really up to you...

Now its time for my first post:

With the recent dissolution of a serious relationship leading to the loss of someone who I not only considered to be my best friend, the heart of all my inspiration, and the most incredible person I have ever had the pleasure to meet... I have been trying to move on.  Though inside I really do understand that it was for the best, I can't help but feel lost and lonely.  I absolutely loved every part about her, but I now understand how fragile relationships can be, even when you think they are going better than ever.  Its the first time I have been single in about 4 years now, and I can't thank my friends enough who have been helping me so much through this rough time.  Even though everyone has always said "You'll never know how to love, until you lose the one you love", I never wanted it to happen, and the thought of that has plagued my mind for years.  After some time spent thinking about it, I have began developing my own personal "Philosophy of Relationships" if you will... and I have come to some solid conclusions.  Whether these thoughts are shared by others, or are actually just my own... here they are.  I feel that I have been very fortunate with having people to share my heart with for years now, but all good things must come to an end eventually.  Yes, I was very lucky.  Though many things can be learned from a relationship, the only way you will truly know yourself is through being alone.  Being 18 (almost 19) years old that I am, I feel that this is an important time for developing a sense of direction and self identity.  I have learned more about myself these past weeks than I have ever learned before and I see a glimpse of hope toward the future.  Its not that I think relationships are a bad idea, nor do I think anyone should fear them... but being alone shouldn't be feared either.  I feared it for so long, and never let myself experience its ups and downs.  I'm not going to make this section of my post any more drawn out or depressing so I think we'll move on...

On the topic of music... Lately I've been digging mewithoutYou and Modern Life is War (hence the lack of creativity in the title of my blog) lately.  Not only are their lyrics inspirational, but their music influential.  

Here are some lyrics that I have found to have some sort of importance to myself:

mewithoutYou-

you're a door-without-a-key, a field-without-a-fence

you made a holy fool of me and I've thanked you ever since.
if she comes circling back we'll end where we'd begun
like two pennies on the train track the train crushed into one
or if I'm a crown without a king, if I'm a broken open seed
if I come without a thing, then I come with all I need
no boat out in the blue, no place to rest your head,
the trap I set for you seems to have caught my leg instead!

Modern Life is War-

Down the old staircase...I'm walking out the door. I feel lost here
tonight, everything has changed since that summer before. Stumbling
forward...I'm glancing back. There's no one in the window begging me
to come back. The streetlights are burning. But I'm not yet ready for
this day to be done. Cause I always come up short. I'm always lusting
for something more. And so I push right into the night harder and
harder until my heart beats just right. Across downtown and over the
tracks. Exhaustion finally taking hold...down to the place I love
where nobody knows. Old photographs much too late at night. I Dream of
times I wish I could leave behind. And I always Wake up ugly and
dissatisfied. I've gotta change my mind. I've gotta change my life:get
down to the root of the problem:cure my misdirection:cause all the
laughs die at closing time and I lie awake wondering why I'm an all or
nothing kid and why I've been feeling like nothing all of the time.
Where do I go? Am I on my own?

Last night after working 9-5 at Zumiez, I went with Jeremy to Raf's great performance at Bethel Christian Fellowship.  Though we had to leave right before his last song, I was absolutely impressed with Raf's creativity and his performance.  Afterward, Jeremy and I went to see The Hoodies perform at Waterstreet Music Hall.  Being good friends of ours, we felt it was important to go support them, even if they decided to cover my car with 100s of flyers in the middle of the night, and even knowing that we would want to kill ourselves during The Demo's 1 hour long vintage indie rock set.  Afterward, Jeremy, Kirsten, Michelle, Chris, Sean, Andy and I went out to Applebees for some much needed food.  I had such a great night, and really needed it.  I wish the best of luck to them on their week long mini-tour...

Today is one of the first days in so long that I haven't really had anything to do at all.  I'm planning on just sitting around, listening to some music, seeing my amazing family,  stopping by some grad parties, maybe going to the practice space downtown and hanging out with some friends.  Who knows what I will do, but its a great feeling to be able to relax.  Though some parts of this blog are longer than I expected, and I'm sure many people will get the wrong impression by things I have to say, I am happy that I did this, and I hope to continue doing it in the future.  I'm pretty sure that with this blog page, I'll just end up writing reflections of days gone by, or posting pictures and meaningful lyrics, but whatever I decide to do... I know it will help myself immensely, and maybe my thoughts could help others?

Feel free to leave any questions or comments.